So. Um. First off, hello! *waves frantically and squeaks a bit*
It’s been ages since I have written a blog post. An honest to goodness blog post. And to be honest, I have no clue what I am doing. So. I’m hoping no one is expecting the next Great Expectations or a dissertation on how to lose your sanity in five Tumblr reblogs or less, because that’s not what this post is going to be about.
In fact, this post is going to be about one thing, and one thing only – the ridiculousness of Keurig coffee makers.
Yes. This thing, right here.
My husband and I have been…talking. Over the last couple of months, we have been talking about getting a good coffee maker. One that I’m less inclined to just ignore and leave left over coffee in and forget to clean and before we know it, whatever was left in the pot has become sentient and named itself and is going to college with a major in theoretical physics. Yes. The remains of the coffee maker we have is smarter than me. *sigh* But anyway, back to the conversation.
Every time we pass the section of the store with the coffee makers, we stare in awe at the holy Keurig. We stare at the clean lines, the technological wonder, the lovely little readout, the HOLY CRAP THIS THING IS EXPENSIVE NO. NO. WE ARE NOT GETTING THIS THING. I mean, holy mother of pearl, even the travel mug is $20. Crazy talk. We laugh about our little fantasy and walk away with yet another $9 piece of crap that I’ll have to put through Harvard.
Fast forward to now. The ‘now’ in which we have a Keurig.
No, I did not shell out half a paycheck to buy one. No way. Nope. What actually happened was that my husband apparently does not know how to party.
Now, when I go out with friends to get drunk, things happen. These things could range from talks with the police about noise ordinances to coming home with a multicolored tail that I have no clue how it got attached to me in the first place to somehow getting my hands on traffic cones – yes, this actually happens, it’s not just the movies. It’s ILLEGAL AS HELL, but fun. But it’s usually wild and fun and entirely worth the hangover in the morning. Sometimes. Weeeeell, most of the time. Usually.
But last Saturday, for once, I decided to stay home and attempt to make some sort of sense of my writing while RICE-ing my knee while the husband went out with his friend. And as I finally pass out around 4 a.m. with visions of fanfictions and zombies and deadlines and whatnot running though my head, I get a text. It said “I found something.”
Great. Fine. You found something at oh-fuck-hundred. Perfect. I’m sleeping.
Next day, around 6 p.m., my husband came home.
With a Keurig coffee maker.
“What. Is. That?”
“I found it.”
“You…found it.”
“Yep!” Cue happy wagging tail and puppy dog eyes. “Can we keep it?”
Oh my everloving Flying Spaghetti Monster. “Yes. We can keep it.”
“Yay!” He set it on the counter. I take my love by the hand and looked at him.
“You do realize we have no coffee for this thing.”
“That’s okay, you can get some tomorrow.”
“You don’t understand -” I tried to tell him that we have coffee, just not for that…thing. I tried to tell him this as he’s throwing away the old coffee maker.
“We have a new coffee maker, we don’t need this one anymore!”
One day, I need to sit him down and explain that you don’t just…argh. Whatever. Fine. So, I didn’t have coffee the next morning because we had a new coffee maker and no way of making coffee.
Now, we get to the ridiculousness. Because I went to go buy the K-cup…thingies for this monstrosity. And wouldn’t you know it…they are EXPENSIVE. Ridiculously so. Stupidly expensive. I mean…ok. Look. See this?
One package of THIS costs $1.50, and you get ten packets. Okay? Got that? Now look at this.
Twelve little K-cup thingies. $8.35.
*screams* WHAT. Why?
And the coffee? Ok, I get that there’s less cleanup. You don’t have to buy the filters. You don’t have to worry about measuring. And there’s less waste because you are only making one cup of coffee at a time. But for Jesus Jackhammering CHRISTMAS’ sake. You want to talk about coffee being expensive at $11 – $12 bucks a container? At least you can get GALLONS of coffee out of that thing. These things are stupid. 12 cups of Foldgers Black Silk, which is basically a pot of coffee, for 6 bucks.
Now, I know it sounds reasonable. And it does. To someone that doesn’t drink a lot of coffee (my husband). But for someone like me, who is still waiting for science to figure out how to mainline coffee…
So, in short, Keurig is stupid. But I am impressed by one thing.
I don’t have to program the damned thing to do my laundry for me.
It’s actually really easy to use. You choose the setting (tea cup, regular cup, or travel mug/latte cup), and it just…pours it. It’s cool. It’s fancy. I like it.
I don’t like the pricetags.
My poor husband doesn’t quite understand. He says, “But you pay $6 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks!” Yes. I do. I’m paying them to make my caramel macchiato with five espresso shots or my chai latte. They are MAKING it. Yes, it’s going to be more expensive. That doesn’t mean I want to pay that price every time I want a cup of black coffee with nothing fancy done to it. Why is that so hard to understand?
Thank you for listening to my rant. I’m going to log off now.
themanywives 
